cgbeads -

a joke a day keeps the depression police away

There are 3 kinds of people in the world, those that can count and those that can't.

A sailor was driven off course by a storm, and smashed into a small island. The next morning, he awoke on the beach. The sand and sky were reddish. Walking around in a daze, the sailor saw red birds, red grass, red trees and red bananas. He was shocked to find that even his skin was reddish. "Oh, noooooo!" he exclaimed. "I'm marooned!"

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

What's the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man?
Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms.

EVER WONDER ....
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?.....
.....Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

A man was sitting in a cafeteria next to a blonde woman who was engrossed in her newspaper.
The bold headlines read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.
Then turning to the man she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

A young man from Texas came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything.
But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

ONLY IN AMERICA:

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

MATH PROBLEM

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Stable?

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

An Oldie but Goodie

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."

ANIMAL FACTOIDS
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds (this one I can relate to)
A snail can sleep for three years
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
Butterflies taste with their feet
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men"...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Joe leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.